Aimless as Usual

Written in the evening of March 30th, 1999....

School is back in and I have taken this opportunity to get sick as a dog. Yesterday I got back from visiting my family, which was good for my soul. For a long time I've been really down and out, unsure of where I've been going. I still don't know where I'm going, but I'm getting a bit more comfortable with that idea. As Mr. Amazing has told me, there are no sure things in this life. I wonder if the next (if a next exists) is any more reassuring. It's no wonder people turn to religion or love or money for comfort. Are those comforts, or are they mere sedatives in a sick game of self delusional abuse? Maybe it's wrong to let your feelings run away with you. Maybe you shouldn't take those risks. Maybe you should only care for yourself. But things don't work that way. People need people and they form bonds. I constantly wonder if that's for the best or not. Just form those bonds for the right reasons and with the right people. If you don't, you risk getting hurt or rejected. If you form a bond with someone whom you suspect will do that to you, don't let your ego get in the way. Egos can be nasty things sometimes. When you're rejected, it's a slam to everything you've convinced yourself you are. You're not Mr. Big Shot or Ms. Perfect. You're not even that somewhat cool person who does his or her personal best to do the right thing. You're no better than anyone else and you could be anyone else. It kills your individuality and you're just another lemming running for the sea of death. The cough medicine is confusing me because of the high alcoholic content and I'm rambling about myself and someone else. Someone hates me badly right now, and I can't really blame him. I only thought of myself if indeed I thought at all, which I don't believe I did. The thing is, I wasn't the only one who didn't think. He didn't think of what he did or who he could hurt either. So someone hates him now. That's why he hates me, by the way. His ego is so big that he can't convince himself that he could be wrong. It has to be someone else's fault and thus it's mine. Normally that would piss me off, but really I just can't care about that anymore. He will always hide his thoughts and feelings away from the world. If that's what gets him through the cold and lonely nights, then I suppose I'll let him be.

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